Heart's desire

Recently, I started a new job as a part time telemarketer for a real estate agency. Truth be told, I haven't even been here for a month and yet I already want to throw in the towel. As I type, I have an excel sheet of numbers in front of me and a phone to my ear. The office is surrounding by busy people submitting forms and collecting commissions. Everyone's talking, everyone's moving.

Thoughout my journey of self growth, I've discovered that there's something about an office environment that makes me feel claustrophobic. I've adapted, as they said I must, but I doubt adapting means quelling the desire to scream my lungs out every time I step in or to struggle to breathe every time I sit myself down in a chair. I can't be surrounding by walls around my desk; I want to cry.

It's so stifling, so very stifling. I feel like my creativity is being compressed. It's like saying "oh this job has no use for you, go to sleep." I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. Why won't you get that? I don't want to sit around in an office. I want to get up, I want to do stuff. Right now I'm living; but I'm not living life.

I've asked myself; what ought I do if I want to, as I say, "live life"? Should I pursue the journey to become an early childhood educator? It's rewarding, I know. But right now doing attachments, I'm starting to feel it less. I'm not completely sure if that's what I want to do. Really truly. Ive experienced firsthand how frustrating it can get and if I'm already struggling to do a day a week, what more a whole year?

I think, what I'd really like to do is write. I want a room filled floor to ceiling with books. I want a messy table full of post it note ideas. I want a whiteboard with my story timeline, different markers to mark different characters. I want a laptop full of messy drafts and half written bits and pieces. I want a pen and a notebook scribbled with names and personality traits. I want to be able to call anywhere my workplace. I want the freedom to explore. Maybe a travel writing job would be interesting (but there's the issue of money).

Then I ask myself; why can't I do these things now? Why can't I? If I'm being honest to myself, I think I live submerged in self doubt and I think that's a reason I'm afraid to even try. Hence I subject myself to an office environment which I clearly know I'm not made for (regardless of what kind) and supress my potential and destroys my creativity bit by bit everyday. (Ok seriously, why the fuck am I still here)

To truly live, I think I'll need to learn how to get over my self doubt. I can't lie around leaving my dream to rot. That would truly be a waste of potential. I'm not looking to be the next J.K.Rowling. I just want to do what I love best.

Half over

Just a quick blogpost here. Today marks the official end of my 2nd Year in Polytechnic. I have 1 more year left before graduation.

Year 2, well, in a nutshell, has been insane. Even that's an understatement. Year 2 has been a complete whirlwind of found friendships, broken friendships and an even greater tear in the friendship department. Judging by the fact that I chose to mention friendships before the grades or assignments hopefully says something about me. So honestly, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, take your pick.

I've been playing the good girl card for so long I forgot what it was like to be the bitch. I discovered more about myself through this experience though. I discovered that I can be stone cold-hearted and you really don't want to see that side of me.

A shadow passes over her eyes and for a split second, it seemed as though they were covered in pure darkness. Her slow blink and condescending stare washes over you. She blinks again and you see a red glint. She radiates hatred and anger and she knows it, she feels it, burning at her skin. She sends the power out of her body and it finds you and penetrates your heart. And that's when you know that she wasn't the same as you thought she was. That's when you know she can be more dangerous than she'll ever let on. And you realise that you never want to see a part of her more frightening than that sneak tidbit she let you see.

3 reasons why growing up is overrated

Ok, yes, we all have to grow up. But so many of us are so eager to grow up we never really stop to enjoy the process of growing up. And that's why I'm here to say, growing up is overrated. (I'm not saying I want to remain as a child forever either though.)


#1: How do you even adult? 

I'm on my last year of "teenagehood" and I can safely say I have no idea how to adult. Heck, I even fail at being a girl. I can't bun my hair, I can't cook (do noodles count?), and my teachers used to say I sit like those uncles at the coffeeshop.

I don't know how to adult, and while I'm being honest, I'm afraid to. It really makes me wonder how adults learnt to adult. How do you buy a house? Where do you go to make payments? How do you take bank loans? How do you drive? (Though I plan to take my license after graduation). How do you buy insurance? What's life insurance and why do you need it? How do you even invest?

We're not taught these so how do adults even know? Ok, I guess some of my teenaged readers probably might know some of these, I shan't discriminate. But if you do, teach me the ways please.


#2: Getting judged for liking "children's stuff" 

Maybe not all of you but I do. Whenever people hear that I like Disney (insane over it, more like), their first reaction would be "Disney? That thing for kids?". No, just no. I love all things Disney to be honest, and I doubt it'll ever be something I'll grow out of. I can name quite a number of Disney songs and I consider that an achievement haha! I started liking Tinkerbell late (like, at 18) but it's got me hooked. (And in case you're wondering, my favorite Disney movie is Tangled).

I guess you could say I'm young at heart. I tend to squeal inwardly and strain to run to a toyshop (and bookshop). Y'know those Sylvanian Families toys? It's kinda my goal to collect them all one day (to which my boyfriend says it's expensive and we'll have nowhere to put them) But they're so cute tho...

I guess being an Early Childhood educator plays a part too. We're more inclined to see things from the children's point of view, and that includes toys hehehehe

#3: Not having enough time to actually enjoy the process of growing up

When we're 13, we can't wait to be 16. When we're 16, we can't wait to be 18. And when we're 20, we're like "I've lived through 2 decades oh my goodness, I'm getting old."

Thing is, we're so fixated on growing up we never actually stop to enjoy the process of growing up. We want to be a certain age quick that we never really stop to enjoy just being the age that we are at now. Of course, at our current age, we probably think that there will be better things awaiting us when we get older. I can't deny that I'm not looking forward to graduation and University. I am, I truly am. But it scares me too that that is only one or two years away. It felt like just yesterday that I entered Polytechnic and now I'm a year closer to graduating? Time really flies.

Time flies. Hence, if you're always so keen to grow up, you won't truly appreciate the moment that you have right now. How would you enjoy the present when all you're looking at is the future?

For most of my life I've been fixated on the future, namely where do I want to go next, what do I want to do, what's going to happen. I've never really stopped to enjoy the present. Take a minute to breathe. In this hectic society, I've got to admit, it isn't easy stopping. Stop and breathe. Look around you. Live in the present. 

Ever since I met him, I've learnt to take each day as it comes. For me, living each day to the fullest, or at least trying to, has become this insanely wonderful soul-settling feeling. I feel calmer. I'm actually able to witness my own personal growth. Previously, I'd have never noticed how I became a certain way. Now, because I've stopped to see, I can see myself slowly becoming someone that I want to be.

xoxo
Nicabeth

Bring it on.

The new year births new challenges and obstacles for all. One of my greatest challenges this year is to be a girlfriend to a boy enlisting in the National Service on the 5th of January (which, as I try not to count down, are a mere 3 days away.) 

Just a little back info, in my country, all boy from the age of 18 are required to serve a compulsory two years National Service (NS). In this two years, they will be sent to either the Army, the Police force or the Civil Defence force. My boy is one of the lucky few chosen to go into Police and it's comparable to "winning the NS lottery" .I've heard Police training is more relaxed than Army but still. It's not going to be easy. 

Boys have got the shorter end of the stick. Having to surrender two whole years to the government while girls get to go on to University or work earlier. From an outsider's point of view, it is an absolute burden and real props to the boys who go through it (no matter how much they complain). No one, honestly, would be willing to sacrifice their time for NS. Maybe that's why it's compulsory, haha. 

I can't say I know what goes on behind the walls of NS. I definitely would not be able to cope with the vigorous activities every single bloody day so again, props to the lot of you. I can't say that I want to either. But on the bright side, boys get to defend the country, yay. (And if you're wondering why boys, it probably stemmed from the stigma that boys are macho and manly and need to protect their women and children, and even territory. It's an image commonly portrayed in society that men work and women should stay home to raise the children. Though not so much now, in the 21st Century. But many of our ancestors believed so and from there did the whole "let men serve the country, let women serve the men" start.)

Though I can't pretend to know what they face, I do know that this obstacle called NS is a big one to teenage couples. The boy goes in and he can only book out every Friday. He will be spent and will want to enjoy his weekend. Bottom line is, couples will be spending lesser and lesser time together during this period. 

I can't say I've not heard of one too many NS breakup stories. Long story short, girl doesn't like boy not spending time with her and leaves him. Personally, I don't understand that. He's tired. He's had a physically tiring week. Can't you lay off him and give him the break he deserves? 

Speaking as a girl whose boyfriend hasn't enlisted yet and these are only stories, I'm in no position to say so much either. I understand that he'll be tired and I understand that he won't want to go out and have fun as much as we used to. I understand, and yet I'm scared. 

How not to be worried? I'm scared that he'll over exert himself in there, I'm scared he won't be able to eat the food (he's SO picky). I'm scared that he'll get homesick, I'm scared that he won't be able to sleep. (I reckon I baby him too much haha). I'm scared that when he does book out he doesn't want to spend time with me at all. I'm scared that this NS lark would drive an awkward wedge between us. 

I accept that I'm scared and I accept these feelings with grace. I may be scared but yet, I still want to be here for him. I want to give him support (coz that's the best that I can do) and I want to show my support instead of just talking. Action speaks louder than words and to NS, I say; bring it on. 

It will be difficult, yes. There will be times when he won't be able to contact me. I can't go running to him when I'm upset or in trouble. He won't be there physically to hold me or to kiss me. 

But, we're still under the same sky. We're still under the same sun and moon. When he looks up into the clouds, I will be looking too. I may not be there with him physically, nor him me, but our souls are intertwined and I believe that we will support each other in heart.

Anyway, after his NS, comes a new chapter in our lives; University. Truth be told, I can't wait for that. Get past this obstacle first then it'll be time to write a new chapter. 

xoxo

Nicabeth 

Peter.

Their eyes meet.
A light flashes in between them. He finds it hard to tear his gaze away, but yet, he must.
Her eyes search him, searches his soul, his heart, his mind.
Their hearts pound above the noise, pounding, beating as one.
He sees her, and she, him. A connection of hearts, separated by the human sea.
Her skin tingles, she doesn't know what that means.
His eyes sends a message, she pretends not to see.
But their connection on a spiritual level is hard to miss.

His every footstep feels like lead. Never has he been this nervous before.
She sees him coming, bites her lip. Never has she been this nervous before.
He moves almost effortlessly through the throng of people.
What she doesn't know is that he almost had to push them out of his way.
They're blocking, he wishes they would move, he doesn't want her to get away.
She hides a smile behind her hand. He looks almost comical, far to eager.
But their eyes, their eyes, never leaving each others', gazing longingly, hopefully.

She stands, he stands, right before each other.
She tries for a smile, albeit nervous but still genuine.
"I'm Peter," he says, as he holds out his hand.
"Michelle", she shakes, feeling the warmth creep up her cheeks.
She mutters a silent thanks to the darkened light of the room, hiding the stain of her bright red face.
He smiles, shyly, slowly letting go.
A thousand things run through his mind but he can't filter them out in time.
Out from his mouth, comes the words. "you look pretty tonight."

He sees the shock in her eyes, she's very surprised.
She mutters "thank you" to his shoes, trying and failing to conceal a grin. He grins back.
Her smile, oh, her smile, makes the room brighten tenfold.
He wants to try and make her smile again, but he doesn't know what to do.
Hardly a word was further spoken before she pulls out her phone. A connection, their connection, an unspoken truth.

She turns to go, clutching her phone to her pounding chest.
His number, a precious specimen locked and detailed in the device.
She dare not turn to wave goodbye, she felt so sure that she'd explode.
She'd content herself to memorizing the smile on his face.

He sees her go, walking fast, out of the hall and into the streets.
His fingers feel icy cold, and his face too warm.
Frozen in the same spot, he is in disbelief.
Maybe it was all just a prank, a cruel joke of fates'. She didn't even say goodbye.
But then the phone rings.

They get to talking, and soon they're laughing and making plans to meet.
He's surprised at how easy she seems to talk to and she thinks he is pretty neat.
She'll never forget the smile he wore, when he first walked up to her.
Her heart seems to jump and soar, at his little words.

Michelle and Peter meet again, in a coffee house, a week after they first met.
That week had been filled with laughs and conversations left unsaid.
Neither can deny the connection they felt on the very first day.
They know what it is, deep in their hearts, and how they feel so blessed.

Their every day spent together, inseparable are the pair.
Smiles and laughter fill the air, whenever the two are there.
He loves her so, with every being of his heart, and she loves him too.
The connection they first felt has grown and grown and grown.
Now with every moment, it's eating at their souls.

Their love has grown and blossomed into something new.
It's no longer love, it's a union of their souls.
She can read his mind just as well as he can read hers.
They're connected, body and mind, and now of their souls.

His body has gotten used to the way hers feel, whenever he does something sweet.
He has memorized her little quirks and is glad to make them his.
He loves the way his palm fits, nicely into hers.
He loves the way that she always brings a smile to whomever they may meet.
The two of them individuals, but together they work as one.

The season changes, the colours fade, and she no longer seems to smile.
Every where they go, she brings a little frown.
He tries to change, and ask and ask, but doesn't know what's wrong.
He loves her so, but doesn't he know, that this is what they are.

She sends a text, one evening on the eve of hallow's night.
She hates to break his heart but she must do what's right.
"Peter," it reads, " I'm sorry to do this, but we must leave each other. Let's not taint our summer romance and keep it forever burning as a memory. If we stay on, we wouldn't last, that much I can see is true. I've loved you once, Peter dear, but let's leave our summer love as it is, as it was, and as it'll always be."

He read her text, once, twice, three times.
He raged, he stormed, he tried to call but she always declined.
He never saw or heard from her again, but oh, how his heart did pine.
He loved her, he truly did, he never felt this way before.
And the way she shattered his fragile heart, burns in the depth of his soul.
She touched his heart and left a mark, but now she's upped and gone.
Leaving Peter behind to sort out his life, and find his ever after.

One month passed, then two, three and more.
The seasons changed and soon it was to be summer again.
Peter curls up on his bed, as he had done ever since.
He scrolls through their old texts and pictures and prays for her back.
He misses her so, that much he knows, that she was his true love.
It's been a year, but Peter can't seem to look into the future.

His past is dark but his future is darker. No woman can ever replace her.
The bluest of skies seem, in his eyes, the darkest shade of grey.
His heart has broken, his soul numbed, he's never felt this way.
He doesn't know if there's a cure, or a medicine for heartbreak this great.
He wants her here, right next to him, he wants their connection again.
He wants the fire in her eyes, the passion on her lips.
He longs for her hands to caress his face but remembers where she is.

He shakes open the bottle of pills.
He loves her.
He pours them out onto his open palm.
He loves her.
He feels the capsules slide down his unresisting throat.
He loved her.
He loved her.
He loved
Her.





xoxo
Nicabeth

The Chosen Chapter 2: Zoey's lessons 101

You'd expect me to be in a truckload of trouble but I'm not. (Can you believe that?). I'm not even in a little bit of trouble. Valkyries are weird. You'd think dropping someone's soul into non-existence would get you kicked out faster than you can say "sorry" but no. Apparently this is a "learning experience". 

Senior Ada says it's normal for newbies to mess up the first time round and I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Personally, I'm feeling like absolute poop. I dropped a soul into non-existence. Instead of an after-life, he's just going to, what, disintegrate? Oh gods above. 

Mess up or not, I wouldn't wish that fate on anybody. (Except maybe that third grade math teacher. Jokes.)

I know I didn't choose the Valkie life. It chose me. But since I am one, might as well make the best of it. And that starts with learning how to be a Valkyrie right. 

Lesson number 1: I am only supposed to pick up souls I deem worthy of Vahalla. I am to leave souls meant for Folkvangr and Hel alone. Apparently they have their own spirit picker uppers. 

Lesson number 2: Valkyries are only called to the "scene" when a hero dies in battle with his weapon. Other than that, I can't pick up any ol' Tom, Dick or Harry on the streets. 

Lesson number 3: I don't need to be a Valkie 24/7. Apparently I still can go to school with my mates and stuff. And I still need to do homework and stuff

Lesson number 4: When I am a valky, I have to stay in Vahalla's "Valkie Quarters". There's an area off Vahalla's main residences specially set aside for us Valkies. We're sorted according to our Chief Valkie (mine's Jalinda, remember?). There's two Valkies to a room and our Seniors. I haven't had the chance to meet my roomie yet.

Lesson number 5: It's apparently not easy to get dismissed from the Valkie court unless I mess up big time. (Like purposely killing a guy who is not yet ready to go. *Coughs*). Valkies are rare nowadays so I'm considered "valuable" 

Lesson number 6: It's time for lunch. 

Since Senior Ada says there's no need to report this to the higher ups, we're going for lunch. 

The Chosen Chapter 1: I'm a what now?!

Honestly? I didn't ask to be a Valkyrie. It wasn't like I had a say in the matter either. I was just picked up one day (literally) and a woman with this crazy hairdo was like, "congrats, you're a Valkyrie now!". I wish I could say I gave a more mature response to that, but nope. Yours truly went down in history as the first Valkyrie who threw up all down her shirt in excitement.

Sarcasm. You'd think the other Valkyries would know a thing or two about that.

I can't exactly say it's been a bed of roses being a Valky. Then again, I've only been at it for, let's see, about 2 hours and 13 minutes now? Not too bad for my first day, if I don't say so myself. I heard the last one before me got roasted in like, 10 minutes. I wonder what she did. Oh. That's right. She was caught trying to smuggle her boyfriend into Vahalla. (Take into consideration that he wasn't even dead to start with.) I kinda want to giggle now, oh dear.


2 hours and 15 minutes now. Rambling sure takes up time. Ugh. The other Valkies are telling me that I should backtrack and explain a little more. Sorry about that.

Person dies. Valkyrie goes to person. Reviews soul to see if worthy of Vahalla (the High Heavens). If yes, escort him up, he becomes an Einherjar. (Warrior) If no, leave him to rot.

Kidding about that last one. Sort of.


Later I learnt that crazy hairdo woman was Sharlotte, Captain of the Valkyries. Bear with me here, it might get a little confusing. There are 12 Chief Valkies under Captain Sharlotte and those 12 are responsible for the thousands of recruit Valkies under them.

I'm under the 7th Chief, Chief Jalinda and in this 2 hour 17 minutes I've been here, she's been praying I was on oversight on the Captain's part. Lovely. Like I, Zoey Fairfield, asked to be here in the first place. I've heard that Valkyries personally chosen by the Captain have the grand potential to either bring the Valkyries to a new age, or destroy them completely. The things you learn in 2 hours and 17 minutes.

Chief Jalinda said the last time Captain Sharlotte personally picked a new recruit, the Valkyries were almost exterminated. Does the name "Salem witch trails" ring a bell? Yeah, most of them were Valkies, caught doing magic too close to the humans. Their loss.

(My Senior Valkyrie says that's insensitive. Well I'm sorry, Senior Ada, but it's true!)

New Valkyries get a Senior. They watch over us, teach us the ropes, baby us and feed us.

(I'm kidding, Senior Ada, KIDDING.)

They do teach us the ropes though. We're supposed to go through a 5 year training course before being fully initiated in as full Valkyries and during this time, our Senior is our teacher. They make recruits wear feather on their gowns though I think it's more of a practical joke like "Hey look it's the newbies, let's squash them" Captain Sharlotte believes that the best way to learn is through practice. That's why in about 10 minutes time, I will be escorting my first einherjar to Vahalla. Looking like a chicken.




Oooh I see him! He's....he's pushing people out of a burning apartment, straight out onto the streets. Well I GUESS that classifies as noble. I need to check my handbook for that.

Oh wow looky here. It's a noble act but guess who started the fire in the first place? This same chap. So it kind of cancels out the noble cause thing doesn't it? No Vahalla for you mate, sorry.

(HAHAHA this is fun!)

And OOOH! The building exploded! My guy's dead! Cool!
(Well ok, not so cool but from this high up in the clouds it kind of looks like fireworks)

Oh oops. Forgot to review his soul. Pros: Tried to rescue the people and got all of them out of the fire. Cons: Started the fire.

Well I guess he doesn't deserve eternal damnation but I don't reckon he deserves Vahalla either. That leaves Folkvangr, where he can stand around for all of eternity. Trust me, it's much better than Hel.

Ooof. He's a little heavier than he looks. Doesn't miss a meal, this one. I'm actually struggling trying to carry this chap and I really wish Senior Ada would help me.

(She's laughing at me. Why are you laughing?)

There's this huge gapping hole underneath us. Senior Ada says that's Ginnungagap, the eternal void of nothingness and we really really don't want to be dropping our guy down that thing.

Bollocks. This guy is really kicking. Ouch, stop that. I can't carry you much further! Where in Vahalla is Folkvangr? Oh no oh no I'm losing my grip-

Oh bollocks, peas and carrots.

Ok this is a terrible idea. I want to go back to being mortal now, thanks.