Heart's desire

Recently, I started a new job as a part time telemarketer for a real estate agency. Truth be told, I haven't even been here for a month and yet I already want to throw in the towel. As I type, I have an excel sheet of numbers in front of me and a phone to my ear. The office is surrounding by busy people submitting forms and collecting commissions. Everyone's talking, everyone's moving.

Thoughout my journey of self growth, I've discovered that there's something about an office environment that makes me feel claustrophobic. I've adapted, as they said I must, but I doubt adapting means quelling the desire to scream my lungs out every time I step in or to struggle to breathe every time I sit myself down in a chair. I can't be surrounding by walls around my desk; I want to cry.

It's so stifling, so very stifling. I feel like my creativity is being compressed. It's like saying "oh this job has no use for you, go to sleep." I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. Why won't you get that? I don't want to sit around in an office. I want to get up, I want to do stuff. Right now I'm living; but I'm not living life.

I've asked myself; what ought I do if I want to, as I say, "live life"? Should I pursue the journey to become an early childhood educator? It's rewarding, I know. But right now doing attachments, I'm starting to feel it less. I'm not completely sure if that's what I want to do. Really truly. Ive experienced firsthand how frustrating it can get and if I'm already struggling to do a day a week, what more a whole year?

I think, what I'd really like to do is write. I want a room filled floor to ceiling with books. I want a messy table full of post it note ideas. I want a whiteboard with my story timeline, different markers to mark different characters. I want a laptop full of messy drafts and half written bits and pieces. I want a pen and a notebook scribbled with names and personality traits. I want to be able to call anywhere my workplace. I want the freedom to explore. Maybe a travel writing job would be interesting (but there's the issue of money).

Then I ask myself; why can't I do these things now? Why can't I? If I'm being honest to myself, I think I live submerged in self doubt and I think that's a reason I'm afraid to even try. Hence I subject myself to an office environment which I clearly know I'm not made for (regardless of what kind) and supress my potential and destroys my creativity bit by bit everyday. (Ok seriously, why the fuck am I still here)

To truly live, I think I'll need to learn how to get over my self doubt. I can't lie around leaving my dream to rot. That would truly be a waste of potential. I'm not looking to be the next J.K.Rowling. I just want to do what I love best.

Half over

Just a quick blogpost here. Today marks the official end of my 2nd Year in Polytechnic. I have 1 more year left before graduation.

Year 2, well, in a nutshell, has been insane. Even that's an understatement. Year 2 has been a complete whirlwind of found friendships, broken friendships and an even greater tear in the friendship department. Judging by the fact that I chose to mention friendships before the grades or assignments hopefully says something about me. So honestly, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, take your pick.

I've been playing the good girl card for so long I forgot what it was like to be the bitch. I discovered more about myself through this experience though. I discovered that I can be stone cold-hearted and you really don't want to see that side of me.

A shadow passes over her eyes and for a split second, it seemed as though they were covered in pure darkness. Her slow blink and condescending stare washes over you. She blinks again and you see a red glint. She radiates hatred and anger and she knows it, she feels it, burning at her skin. She sends the power out of her body and it finds you and penetrates your heart. And that's when you know that she wasn't the same as you thought she was. That's when you know she can be more dangerous than she'll ever let on. And you realise that you never want to see a part of her more frightening than that sneak tidbit she let you see.

3 reasons why growing up is overrated

Ok, yes, we all have to grow up. But so many of us are so eager to grow up we never really stop to enjoy the process of growing up. And that's why I'm here to say, growing up is overrated. (I'm not saying I want to remain as a child forever either though.)


#1: How do you even adult? 

I'm on my last year of "teenagehood" and I can safely say I have no idea how to adult. Heck, I even fail at being a girl. I can't bun my hair, I can't cook (do noodles count?), and my teachers used to say I sit like those uncles at the coffeeshop.

I don't know how to adult, and while I'm being honest, I'm afraid to. It really makes me wonder how adults learnt to adult. How do you buy a house? Where do you go to make payments? How do you take bank loans? How do you drive? (Though I plan to take my license after graduation). How do you buy insurance? What's life insurance and why do you need it? How do you even invest?

We're not taught these so how do adults even know? Ok, I guess some of my teenaged readers probably might know some of these, I shan't discriminate. But if you do, teach me the ways please.


#2: Getting judged for liking "children's stuff" 

Maybe not all of you but I do. Whenever people hear that I like Disney (insane over it, more like), their first reaction would be "Disney? That thing for kids?". No, just no. I love all things Disney to be honest, and I doubt it'll ever be something I'll grow out of. I can name quite a number of Disney songs and I consider that an achievement haha! I started liking Tinkerbell late (like, at 18) but it's got me hooked. (And in case you're wondering, my favorite Disney movie is Tangled).

I guess you could say I'm young at heart. I tend to squeal inwardly and strain to run to a toyshop (and bookshop). Y'know those Sylvanian Families toys? It's kinda my goal to collect them all one day (to which my boyfriend says it's expensive and we'll have nowhere to put them) But they're so cute tho...

I guess being an Early Childhood educator plays a part too. We're more inclined to see things from the children's point of view, and that includes toys hehehehe

#3: Not having enough time to actually enjoy the process of growing up

When we're 13, we can't wait to be 16. When we're 16, we can't wait to be 18. And when we're 20, we're like "I've lived through 2 decades oh my goodness, I'm getting old."

Thing is, we're so fixated on growing up we never actually stop to enjoy the process of growing up. We want to be a certain age quick that we never really stop to enjoy just being the age that we are at now. Of course, at our current age, we probably think that there will be better things awaiting us when we get older. I can't deny that I'm not looking forward to graduation and University. I am, I truly am. But it scares me too that that is only one or two years away. It felt like just yesterday that I entered Polytechnic and now I'm a year closer to graduating? Time really flies.

Time flies. Hence, if you're always so keen to grow up, you won't truly appreciate the moment that you have right now. How would you enjoy the present when all you're looking at is the future?

For most of my life I've been fixated on the future, namely where do I want to go next, what do I want to do, what's going to happen. I've never really stopped to enjoy the present. Take a minute to breathe. In this hectic society, I've got to admit, it isn't easy stopping. Stop and breathe. Look around you. Live in the present. 

Ever since I met him, I've learnt to take each day as it comes. For me, living each day to the fullest, or at least trying to, has become this insanely wonderful soul-settling feeling. I feel calmer. I'm actually able to witness my own personal growth. Previously, I'd have never noticed how I became a certain way. Now, because I've stopped to see, I can see myself slowly becoming someone that I want to be.

xoxo
Nicabeth

Bring it on.

The new year births new challenges and obstacles for all. One of my greatest challenges this year is to be a girlfriend to a boy enlisting in the National Service on the 5th of January (which, as I try not to count down, are a mere 3 days away.) 

Just a little back info, in my country, all boy from the age of 18 are required to serve a compulsory two years National Service (NS). In this two years, they will be sent to either the Army, the Police force or the Civil Defence force. My boy is one of the lucky few chosen to go into Police and it's comparable to "winning the NS lottery" .I've heard Police training is more relaxed than Army but still. It's not going to be easy. 

Boys have got the shorter end of the stick. Having to surrender two whole years to the government while girls get to go on to University or work earlier. From an outsider's point of view, it is an absolute burden and real props to the boys who go through it (no matter how much they complain). No one, honestly, would be willing to sacrifice their time for NS. Maybe that's why it's compulsory, haha. 

I can't say I know what goes on behind the walls of NS. I definitely would not be able to cope with the vigorous activities every single bloody day so again, props to the lot of you. I can't say that I want to either. But on the bright side, boys get to defend the country, yay. (And if you're wondering why boys, it probably stemmed from the stigma that boys are macho and manly and need to protect their women and children, and even territory. It's an image commonly portrayed in society that men work and women should stay home to raise the children. Though not so much now, in the 21st Century. But many of our ancestors believed so and from there did the whole "let men serve the country, let women serve the men" start.)

Though I can't pretend to know what they face, I do know that this obstacle called NS is a big one to teenage couples. The boy goes in and he can only book out every Friday. He will be spent and will want to enjoy his weekend. Bottom line is, couples will be spending lesser and lesser time together during this period. 

I can't say I've not heard of one too many NS breakup stories. Long story short, girl doesn't like boy not spending time with her and leaves him. Personally, I don't understand that. He's tired. He's had a physically tiring week. Can't you lay off him and give him the break he deserves? 

Speaking as a girl whose boyfriend hasn't enlisted yet and these are only stories, I'm in no position to say so much either. I understand that he'll be tired and I understand that he won't want to go out and have fun as much as we used to. I understand, and yet I'm scared. 

How not to be worried? I'm scared that he'll over exert himself in there, I'm scared he won't be able to eat the food (he's SO picky). I'm scared that he'll get homesick, I'm scared that he won't be able to sleep. (I reckon I baby him too much haha). I'm scared that when he does book out he doesn't want to spend time with me at all. I'm scared that this NS lark would drive an awkward wedge between us. 

I accept that I'm scared and I accept these feelings with grace. I may be scared but yet, I still want to be here for him. I want to give him support (coz that's the best that I can do) and I want to show my support instead of just talking. Action speaks louder than words and to NS, I say; bring it on. 

It will be difficult, yes. There will be times when he won't be able to contact me. I can't go running to him when I'm upset or in trouble. He won't be there physically to hold me or to kiss me. 

But, we're still under the same sky. We're still under the same sun and moon. When he looks up into the clouds, I will be looking too. I may not be there with him physically, nor him me, but our souls are intertwined and I believe that we will support each other in heart.

Anyway, after his NS, comes a new chapter in our lives; University. Truth be told, I can't wait for that. Get past this obstacle first then it'll be time to write a new chapter. 

xoxo

Nicabeth