Heart's desire

Recently, I started a new job as a part time telemarketer for a real estate agency. Truth be told, I haven't even been here for a month and yet I already want to throw in the towel. As I type, I have an excel sheet of numbers in front of me and a phone to my ear. The office is surrounding by busy people submitting forms and collecting commissions. Everyone's talking, everyone's moving.

Thoughout my journey of self growth, I've discovered that there's something about an office environment that makes me feel claustrophobic. I've adapted, as they said I must, but I doubt adapting means quelling the desire to scream my lungs out every time I step in or to struggle to breathe every time I sit myself down in a chair. I can't be surrounding by walls around my desk; I want to cry.

It's so stifling, so very stifling. I feel like my creativity is being compressed. It's like saying "oh this job has no use for you, go to sleep." I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. Why won't you get that? I don't want to sit around in an office. I want to get up, I want to do stuff. Right now I'm living; but I'm not living life.

I've asked myself; what ought I do if I want to, as I say, "live life"? Should I pursue the journey to become an early childhood educator? It's rewarding, I know. But right now doing attachments, I'm starting to feel it less. I'm not completely sure if that's what I want to do. Really truly. Ive experienced firsthand how frustrating it can get and if I'm already struggling to do a day a week, what more a whole year?

I think, what I'd really like to do is write. I want a room filled floor to ceiling with books. I want a messy table full of post it note ideas. I want a whiteboard with my story timeline, different markers to mark different characters. I want a laptop full of messy drafts and half written bits and pieces. I want a pen and a notebook scribbled with names and personality traits. I want to be able to call anywhere my workplace. I want the freedom to explore. Maybe a travel writing job would be interesting (but there's the issue of money).

Then I ask myself; why can't I do these things now? Why can't I? If I'm being honest to myself, I think I live submerged in self doubt and I think that's a reason I'm afraid to even try. Hence I subject myself to an office environment which I clearly know I'm not made for (regardless of what kind) and supress my potential and destroys my creativity bit by bit everyday. (Ok seriously, why the fuck am I still here)

To truly live, I think I'll need to learn how to get over my self doubt. I can't lie around leaving my dream to rot. That would truly be a waste of potential. I'm not looking to be the next J.K.Rowling. I just want to do what I love best.